Hi fellow people, still reading this blog, still waiting for me to update. Thank you, I appreciate it. Also, sorry for having to read what a moody, edgy, emo me had to write. 

I came back here after finishing my two years, after being enrolled in a university, after receiving my final IB grades, and after feeling like a whole different person from the one that wrote those shitty blogs (sorry past Zala, you kinda suck #personalgrowth or something, right).

Anyway, I wanted to tell you one thing, my fellow soon-to-be-UWCiM-firsties:
UWC Mostar may not be perfect, it may have problems and a weird administration but these two years were the best experience I have ever had. 

Listen, I know I whined a lot, and made it seem like hell. But it's not. Mostar is something special - something that will become home for you. I sound so corny lol but you know what I mean, right? 
My second year was actually so much nicer than my first year. I changed residences (Sušac for life), I fell in love (hi handsome if you're reading this (I hope you're not) know that I love you and you made this year unforgettably amazing), I deepened my friendships (yes hello my two best friends who I adore with my whole heart), and I fucked the IB over, not letting it fuck me first (42 in your face, you shitty International Baccalausijhgiewniew - I still don't know how to spell it). 
So yes, first year might've been rough, but second year made it all worth. I learned how to cook. I woke up half an hour earlier every morning to walk from Sušac to school. I didn't get wasted anymore (okay, maybe once or twice). I learned more about myself and about my subjects. I enjoyed the IB (yes, it's actually possible). I made my room feel like home. And I made Mostar and the UWC community feel like home too.

So, my fellow firsties, second years, whoever the heck is still on this blog, UWCiM is a whole-rounded, crazy, amazing, unforgettable, beautiful experience. Just take it as it comes. Accept it, enjoy it, cry a bit, make friends and love (watch out for the Code of Conduct though) and make it the best two years possible.

Love you all. I'm off to university soon but before that I'm off to cry a bit because Mostalgia is real and the fear of adult life is too haha..ha. Enjoy UWC until you can, it's worth it!

​-Zala

It's barely 16 degrees outside - something that is unacceptable for the usually hot Mostar. I was really fearing May and not only because of finals. Mostly because of having to write finals while it's 40 degrees. But fortunately God heard the silent cries of UWCiM people and decided that he'll have mercy on us this year. 
So it's cold and windy and rainy. It's funny - every morning is extremely sunny with not a single cloud covering the sky. But by two in the afternoon it's raining like crazy. That's Mostar weather for you! 

But anyways. It's May! This doesn't only mean finals but also that I'll be home in 20 days! I'm so looking forward to it! While I did find my place here, home is still home. And after months of hard work and barely any free time I'm really excited to have a few days of doing absolutely nothing (well, this will probably only be a couple of days after my first SAT because then I really have to start studying for the November SATs and writing my EE. But I will not think about that now).
I really feel like this summer will be something special and that's for a few reasons: firstly, I decided that I'll start going to the gym (we'll see how this will work out...I will try). I also have this goal of cycling to the town (which is approximately 40 minutes by bike away from where I live) and sit in this lovely cafe while working on my EE. Another thing that will happen during this summer is that I will go to my first ever Pride Parade. I can't put in words how happy I am about this! I asked my mom if she could come with me and she said yes (which I probably don't have to explain how happy it made me!) but then something came in between so turns out I'm going with my sister. I'm really, really excited about it, especially because I'll sleep over at my sister's place and she'll take me out. Who knows, maybe I can even talk her into taking me to a gay bar *wink wink*. BUT this is not everything! Oh, nope! The biggest adventure of this summer for me is going to Canada for a month! I can't even put into words how excited and overwhelmed I am by this fact. Summer, hurry the heck up!

Before I dig into the pleasure of summer 2016, I have to survive hell: *drums playing in the background*  year one final exams. Scary enough? I'm actually pretty chilled. For now. I mean, my first exam is in two days and it's math. I have already covered most of the material and from what I've gathered through revising, I should be fine, theoretically? If the test isn't too hard and if I don't make stupid mistakes. What I'm really worried about are psychology and biology. There's just so freaking much material, for both of them! Oh well, I really don't want to think about psych and biology yet. First I survive math and then we move on. 
The thing is, people always say that year one exams are not too important...unless you want to apply for early decision. Which is, in fact, what I'm planning to do. So just fuck me up, honestly. At least I'm getting enough sleep now which is nice. Sleep is nice. 

Actually, the point of this blog entry wasn't even me ranting about finals. What I was actually planning to do is write a short list of my First Times in Mostar. I have this list in one of my notebooks but I wanted to share it with you, to maybe get y'all zero-years excited for abroad schooling (even if it's IB). But I'll do this in my next entry. So, y'all, stay tuned because the next blog entry will be exciting *cheering in the background*

Stay well, my people. Eat healthy (since I'm failing at this, at least you guys try your best). 
Love always,

​Zala

It's 1:40AM and I should really be asleep by now. But - surprise, surprise - I am not. This might be due to the math test I have tomorrow (and the fact that I only started studying at 10PM), or maybe due to the fact that I'm alone in my room since my roomie left for study leave. Or simply due to the fact that I had way too much sugar today. Anyhow, this is the outcome of a combination of some very unfortunate factors.

Today was a lovely day but, hand on my heart, since spring started, every day is a lovely day! Every morning, on my way to school, I can't help but admire the small, tiny leaves that started covering the crude branches of the trees near the street. They are of such a clear, green color and it creates a lovely contrast with the bright blue sky of early mornings. And the smell! It doesn't smell like a city at all - you can legit smell the spring, the trees blooming. It's beautiful! And the birds are singing even now! I love spring so much, honestly. And spring in Mostar is just so refreshing - after some long months of strong wind, never stopping rain and cold air, spring is exactly what all of us need.

But back to today. This evening we had this thing called Reflection Circles at Abraš and at first I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go or not because, reference to the first paragraph, I have a math test and I didn't study at all. But my friend persuaded me to go and I was honestly so grateful that I went once it was all over. 
We had 6 groups and people were randomly assigned to them. I wasn't really close with anyone from my group so at first I was mostly listening to the discussion, rather than actively participating. But eventually I started feeling comfortable around the people so I also shared my opinion on some of the things we discussed and it was generally very nice! People put candles all around the backyard of Abraš and we were there from the late, late afternoon, all through the dusk and up to when the night fell over us. It was so beautiful, warm and funny. And as I was sitting in that small circle with approximately 9 other people, while we were talking about our UWC experience and our personal feelings - I felt like I belonged. For the first time since I've come here, I had the true feeling of belonging. Suddenly I felt this strong bond, filled with love towards those people. I felt the urge of hugging them all and just letting them know how grateful I am to be able to be there, at that moment. 
Up to now, I always had this small feeling deep down that I didn't really fit in or that I didn't really find my small spot in UWCiM. But as we were sitting in the backyard of Abraš at dusk, I just felt it. I felt the vibes, the kind of vibes I've been looking for since always, to be honest. And I felt this very warm, very fresh and light feeling in my chest. I was happy. 
At some point we touched the argument of home; what is home? Where is home? Is home where we come from, where our family, friends are? Or is home Mostar, this city, this community? Most people said that home was still where they come from and where their life is patiently waiting for them. A few rare ones said that, at this point, the UWC community has become their home, and that they don't feel like the belong to their ''old'' lives anymore. I gave their words a thought or maybe twenty, honestly. Up to then, I never even considered that Mostar could by any chance become my home. In my head, it was always this random place where I'll just attend school for two years. I never wanted to form a bond with this city or with the people here - not the kind of bond that would hurt once I'll have to leave. I was more going for the I'm-happy-that-I'm-here-until-I'm-here-but-leaving-is-fine-too type of bond. But as I listened to my second years and my co-years, I realized something. I realized that the saying which says ''home is where your heart is'' is so, so true. But I never thought that it was possible to split your heart in pieces and leave one piece here, another one there. In my mind it was always like ''okay, you have one heart, therefore you can only have one home''. 
I was wrong on so many levels.

As much as I might not want to admit it to myself, Mostar and UWC have become my home. Not a permanent one, and not as familiar as my house and town back in Slovenia. But still a home; a place where I feel at peace, a place where I'm surrounded by people I love and care about. A place where I learn, grow, form memories and collect experiences. A place that indeed holds a special place in my heart.

It's late now. Late for real. So I will finish this post with again some kind of advice for the zero years, or for anyone, really:
give it time. To anything. Don't expect to adapt to a change - big or small - immediately. It might take a day, week, month, year, but eventually, you'll find peace in what you're doing, where you are and, most importantly, who you are. Stay loyal to yourself and accept what life gives you with open hands:)

Love always,
Zala
​

I noticed an intriguing pattern in my behavior which might be a good starting point for an in-depth psychological analysis: whenever stress creeps into my life, I find myself scrolling through mysterious web pages that all have the title of 29 signs that you're an IB student or IB Memes. And then I softly sob into my pillow as I eat chocolate cookies from Musala market and cookie crumbs are falling on the keyboard almost as fast as my tears of suffering. 

You have guessed correctly, my friends. First year exams are approaching very fast and if mankind really came up with the concept of time we definitely did something wrong because honestly, why is time passing by so quickly?! Wasn't it January like yesterday? I'm so pissed right now, I'm gonna fight the time and the concept of space and time as one and just bring it on, Universe! 

I'm actually happy. Like, overall. If I push aside the thought that I have only 3 weeks of classes left, meaning only 4 weeks before exams and that I haven't really started any work and that I have a TOK presentation due Friday and a math test on Trigonometry on Friday but also 3 books for self-taught to read...if I ignore all of these small inconveniences, I'm fine! It's spring and it's warm outside and sunny and the birds are singing and I have a bunch of shit to do but you know, life is still pretty amazing. 

LOL, my tutor for self-taught just sent me an email with samples of Paper II and I haven't started reading the books yet, but you know, these are details. Overall, still all good. I think I did pretty fine in self-taught so far so I'm not worrying too much? I guess? But yeah, what I wanted to say is that I'm getting a firstie next year! I'm so happy! I'll be such a proud second year! She seems very nice and lovely and in general a sweet girl. She has a pretty cat, if this helps you make an impression of her, I don't know.
Also, mom bought the plane tickets for summer and I'm officially going to Canada for a month! How freaking exciting is this? I never thought I will ever step on that side of the ocean ever again but I will! I'm so looking forward to summer, I just want to get done with school honestly. 47 days left until I come home. Time really flies. In summer, I'll be free, free from work and the sufferings of IB.
Did you actually believe this? I hope not because, knock, knock, it's the EE and SATs! But I'm excited for both of them because I just love my EE topic, like I'm genuinely interested in it so I guess I'll be fine, once I actually dig into work. And about the SATs, I really want to do good because, you know, dream colleges and shit, so I'll put my heart and soul in acing them American tests. I have no goddam idea when I'll have time for chilling but these are details as well because I'm going to Canada? And this is very cool okay? Okay. 
I feel like this post is just me shitposting, honestly, I'm so sorry you have to read through this. My writing style goes from kinda-okayish-bad-poetic-wanna-be-deep-writing to I'm-a-dipshit-meme-tumblr-speaker in less than 0.3 seconds. 

Since I know that next year firsties finally know whether they got in or not I just want to let y'all know that you can always email me if you have any questions, sincerely you won't annoy me, your email will most likely make my day so please, don't hesitate. I'm not such a piece of shit as I seem here, I swear. I'm actually nice. I actually have friends. Like 5 of them but you know, still something. Okay, I should probably shut up. 

But yes, this post was me, putting my stress into words and sharing with you my...schedule, I guess? I don't know, I just felt like writing. 

Now my lovely TOK presentation is calling me so be well, my friends, and hear you soon.

Love always,
​Zala

There are a few reasons to why I deleted my previous post.
First of all, my previous posts were really negative and dark and I noticed a huge lack of positivity. And now that I finally, finally feel at peace, I realized that hey, that is not how Zala thinks. Zala was always known for her never dying optimism and nothing - and I repeat, nothing - will change this fact.

It's the 16th of March today. A special date for two reasons: firstly, it is less than 3 days until the beginning of Spring Break and secondly, it's been a month since me and my best friend/boyfriend decided to do something about our friendship and this makes me extremely happy. Like extremely happy. Plus, I can say that he is doing slightly better and any improvements make me want to jump and dance and sing silly happy songs.
But back to my life in Mostar. Even if it was very dark and depressing around here after Winter Break, things got noticeably better in the past month. First of all, I changed rooms and the atmosphere in my new room is lovely, relaxed and happy. I get more hours of sleep and in general there is not much school work to do right now, which is always nice. But the sudden improvement in my mood doesn't have as much to do with all of these factors as it does with the constant presence of this one person in my life. I started writing a post entry about a month ago about this specific person about a specific event that made me really happy. But, as I was close to finish, the internet broke down and all my writing was lost. The hours I spent writing that, the first time I clearly put my feelings on the paper - all of this was lost, in a split of second. Before I could even realize what exactly has happened. After it, I was so angry at the poorly working WiFi in Musala that I slammed my computer closed and never re-wrote what I have written at that time. Mostly because I know I could never really re-write something like that. Something that came from the depths of my heart, something that meant so much to me. So I just let it go before it could make me even angrier or sadder.

What I'm writing now doesn't have anything to do with the lost blog entry. No. This is just a simple message to tell everyone who's been following me (or who's been concerned about me) this very cliche, many times over-used phrase but which is actually very true. Now hear me out:
it gets better.
Everything. You get better. People you surround yourself with. Your friends, the people you love. Even the weather gets better! It's still quite cold-ish outside but it is definitely warmer than it was in, let's say, January. Spring is definitely closer. 
No matter how dark everything seems, it really does get better. Honestly, you just have to cry your eyes out a few times, curse at everything and everyone, get to the verge of giving up - and stop. Stop to take a deep breath, to whip your tears, to look around yourself. To see the smiles pointed at you, to see the sun shining through your scars. To see the beauty hidden behind all the pain and tears you shred. Find reassurance in small things, happiness in every day. You can do it. So many people made it through the dark period, and so can you. I'm sorry I'm such a moody person but when I'm sad, I'm sad. But when I'm happy, oh God, if I'm happy. For me there is no ''neutral'' feelings: it's either the best of one or the worst of the other. And I'm fine with it this way. 

I know that the specific person I talked about before doesn't read my blog - in fact I'm pretty sure most of my co-years and second years don't even know I run a blog (and I thank not only God but also Jesus for this). This is why I'll take this opportunity to write a few words about this person; a few words that were among hundreds of others that were lost in that split of a second when the internet let me down.
This person, this girl, she's amazing. This is such a simple sentence and yet when I say it with her on my mind it embraces so many things. From her gestures when she's facing an awkward situation, to her laughter that goes on for minutes when she finds something extremely funny. About her laughter, this is something I would like to talk about. This is from yesterday, so the memory is still fresh in my mind. We were in the basement, working out as we do every day. At some point I turned to face her and randomly I said: ''I did something stupid. I signed up to be the leader of the Fitness For Girls CAS.'' And in that moment, in that situation, it was quite funny: I was lying on the floor in a weird, unnatural position, trying to catch my breath after a 20-minutes work-out. Even I smiled slightly at my words and I did expect her to smile or even giggle for a second. But what I didn't expect but was oh, so grateful to have witnessed, was her, bursting out in a loud, uncontrollable laughter which went on for a solid couple of minutes. She was sitting on the floor next to me and in the moment when she started laughing, she curled up, probably because her abs were hurting, and she started slightly rolling on the floor, the laughter never dying on her lips. I think she was trying to say something while laughing, and maybe she even said something, but I didn't comprehend her words. All I could do in that moment was stare at her, listen to her laughter and think ''God, do you see this? Do you hear this? This is the most beautiful laughter ever. This is the most beautiful human being ever.'' I was completely overwhelmed by her beauty in that moment, by the sound of her free laughter, when she was spontaneous and relaxed, simply laughing at something that wasn't even that funny. And the fact I made her laugh that hard made me literally glow of happiness. As her laughter slowly died out, she went on talking about silly futures we could have from that moment on, from the moment when I'd become 'the new leader of Fitness CAS'. Her story was silly, of course it was, she was joking, but it sounded so nice in my ears: the two of us getting old together after finishing our dream Universities and achieving everything in life and then just finding each other at age of 50 and spend the rest of our lives together, enjoying life. Hearing that magical word, the word that can mess you up so badly - us - coming from her pink lips, made my heart jump nervously and ma face relax in a big, happy smile. God, if it sounded nice. Not just the us part, but the whole story. I'm such a cliche sometimes. It even makes me sad, it really does.
Anyways. I always get lost in the smallest details. Not just when writing a diary or blog entry, but in general. Especially when I'm with her. I would just admire the smallest things about her: how her hair curls in this weird but extremely cute way, how her eyes wander around the place and shine whenever she's talking about something she likes. Or the face of surprise and excitement she makes whenever there's a new (mostly crazy but totally genius) idea lighting up in her mind. She also has a very specific way of showing discontent or discomfort. She never gets angry in the way that she'd raise her voice or frown. No, she always looks composed, almost untouched by the situation. But if you know her well enough you immediately notice when there's something wrong. For instance, her eyes would become slightly darker, the features of her face slightly sharper, slightly colder. Her voice would immediately adapt a more formal sub-tone. And when she's frustrated! She wouldn't scream out the frustration, or even cry. I have never seen her cry. I think it would shatter my heart if I did. I did, however, saw her eyes water. In that moment I remember not knowing what to do, how to handle the situation in order to make her feel better. Which was funny - I always know at least how to somehow comfort a crying or sad person. This is my specialty, it really is. But in that moment all I could think about was ''Is she going to cry? Is she really going to cry?'' What I did in that moment, I fist-bumped her in the shoulder, awkwardly saying: ''You got this, you're a strong girl. You got this.'' For a split of a second she just looked at me and then, then she laughed. I laughed too, slightly relieved, mumbling an embarrassed ''I'm sorry but I really don't know how to handle this kind of emotional situations.'' Which was a lie: usually I do, it was just that emotional situation. She smiled and nodded, saying that she has the same problem but that she appreciates my gesture a lot. And I know she did. Much more than she'd appreciate a deep, emotion-filled talk with a lot of hugs and comforting petting on head. This would probably make her feel very uncomfortable and lost - she really doesn't understand emotions or how they are supposed to work. She even says it herself. I think she's fine with it. I mean, she never seemed sad about not really knowing what to do with a pile of emotions rolling around the floor. She did, however, get very frustrated once when there was a sudden rush of strong emotions and she didn't know how to feel about them Which might seem funny when you think about it: she didn't know how to feel about feelings. But trust me, it wasn't funny at all for me. It was the first time I saw her so quiet, so closed in herself, so distant. The emotions were so strong, radiant, so unexpected, that it shocked her - she wasn't used to all of those feelings inside of her, pressing on her chest, wanting to get out but not knowing how to. It must have been very hard that day for her. It got better eventually, but I will never forget how messed up she looked that day. It made me angry and sad and frustrated because I couldn't relieve her of the subtle suffering she was going through. But I guess we can't help everyone in every situation, no matter how much we want to.
The thing is, she really is something. She's so different from all other girls and humans in general. She's so radiant, vivid. If humans were a color, she would be a sprinkle of bright, warm yellow with some shadows of orange and a spark of red, flying around here and there. And if you looked at her color closer, paying attention to small details, you'd notice that the whole colored spectrum was caught in that color. She'd be the sunflower in a field of tulips. I don't know if this makes any sense. Anyway, she sits up very straight, always, at all times. She has a perfect posture. I really like this. I feel like I'm jumping from one thing to another but I can't help myself. I just want to embrace all of her, all of what I love so much in this one piece of writing. She's also the smartest person I've stumbled upon so far in my life. But not just smart: she's wise. Practical. Her movements always smooth and synchronized. She's very good at dancing, although she only does it when she feels like it, doing it for fun. She looks good when dancing. Composed, yet relaxed, as if she knows what she's doing. She probably does, she always does. She's the type of person who'd rather stay alone in the room on a Friday evening, surfing the net or watching a movie with her friend. I'd go out to a party and when I came back, I'd either find her alone in the room, with her computer on her stomach, earphones plugged in her ears, or again in her room, but this time with her guy friend sitting next to her, both of them laughing and looking as if they were having a lot of fun. That would usually be the moment when I'd regret going out to a party - what was some cheap alcohol and dancing to trashy music compared to spending a relaxed, funny evening with the ones you love? I'm so stupid sometimes. I really am. 
I do remember, however, this one evening when both of us went out to the party, together. This is also one of the main things I wrote the lost blog entry on. 
It was the closing party after the long and extremely tiring MUN Conference we hosted in February. All of the delegates and participants were going and we all anticipated a good party, one of the best ones actually. We even ranted a place with bodyguards on the Croatian side of the city, in a club where we usually don't go. The lights were off, the colored lasers flying around the room and the music was already playing loudly as the two of us walked in that evening. The place wasn't crowded yet but there were a bunch of people ordering drinks and awkwardly dancing on the empty dance floor. The whole atmosphere was relaxing and yet you could feel the anticipation flying through the place. She decided to go dance immediately, joining some of our friends. I didn't feel like it, to be honest. I don't like dancing unless the dance floor is filled with people so no one can see me actually moving around. So I sat down at the table in the far corner of the club, sinking in the soft couches. And I watched her dance for some time. She really is a good dancer, in her own, weird style. 
The evening went on, we all danced, more of our friends arrived and we had a quite fun night. Some drinks, some laughs, looking at and jokingly judging all the people who shamelessly hooked-up on the dance floor - and it was already ten thirty. We all had extended check-in that night so we didn't have to be back at the residences until midnight. However, I told her to tell me when she wanted to leave - I wasn't having too much of fun anyways. I mean, it was nice but I went to more fun parties. At some point, when it was around ten thirty as I said, she asked me if we could go. So we left. I was slightly tipsy, but she didn't drink that night. She usually doesn't. Neither do I, but that night, since it was 'the big party' I decided to treat myself a tequila or two. 
So we walked out of the club and down the street. As soon as we crossed the road I had this crazy idea of taking a different road back, a one we weren't so sure about. Since we had time, she agreed. So we walked down the road next to each other, talking about all the hook-ups we saw, commenting how disgusting can some people get. Just a chilled, fun conversation. And then I felt like a croissant. She's never up for croissants - she's one of the rare people here and in general that say they will eat healthy and actually stick with it. But that night, she had one of her 'fuck it' moments so she agreed. We practically ran down the street towards the nearest bakery. It was almost eleven by then, and bakeries close at eleven. So we prayed for it to be open - and it was! We got a croissant with cherry jam and a chocolate muffin so we decided to each eat half of both. Satisfied, we walked towards home. The city at night looks very pretty. There's not a lot of people around so it feels peaceful. We were talking the whole way back and at some point I even took a few pictures of her. I love taking pictures of her but I don't want to do it too often - that would be creepy. 
When we were at the school, I realized I was still hungry. Not expecting her to join I asked if I could borrow some of her money to buy one more croissant and that I'd give it back to her in the morning. To my slight surprise she walked in the next bakery with me and bought a chocolate croissant for herself too. With our food we walked towards the residence now for sure. We still had half an hour left so what we did, we decided to sit int the park near Musala until we ate. So we sat there - it was almost empty - and we talked and ate and talked some more. It was extremely nice. I don't really remember what we talked about but it is always like this: I don't remember words or sentences. I remember the cold breeze, her laughter, the taste of the cherry pie I was eating, the pink color of her coat under the dim street lights. 
As we came back in the residence, we checked-in at the canteen, as we always do. Funny though, even if she had one and a half of a croissant, she still felt like eating something. So she eat some of the leftovers from dinner, some rice. This is something that is becoming kind of a ritual for us: whenever we go out to a party we always eat the leftovers once we come back. Even if we're not really hungry. At that time, at almost midnight, eating cold rice just feels very right. And it always ends up with lots of laughter. As we went upstairs, I realized I'd have to say goodbye to her for the day. Take a shower, go to sleep. I didn't want that. I didn't want the day to end, to walk to my lonely room and let her walk upstairs to hers. So I had this crazy idea of offering her coffee. And she accepted. 
I made coffee, the one I always drink, with loads of sugar and milk and not so much coffee. She sat on my bed and drank it. I sat by my table and put on some music. We started with catchy songs, some were even appropriate for some wild dancing. She finished her coffee before I did so as she put the cup down, she asked me if she could put on a song. I said yes and kept drinking. She put on Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots. I barely knew the song but I could still clumsily sing along the chorus.  She laid down on my bed and we sank into silence. Just the two of us in the room, after a party, silently getting lost in the music, in the melody of the words dancing around us. The vibes at that moment were nice but I felt I could make it even nicer: so I turned off the lamp and turned on the colorful fairy lights around the bed instead. It was really nice. 
After her song ended, she put on another one. And another. And one more. Through all these songs I kept drinking my coffee, slowly, very slowly, so I could steal glances at her from above the mug. She wouldn't have noticed anyways - she was simply staring in the distance, probably losing herself in the music. The songs got quite depressing but it was a nice kind of depressing, if you get me. ¸The atmosphere was so nice in those long moments we stayed in the room, alone. I just never wanted it to end. But it did, it ended as my roommate walked in the room, sat down by her bed and asked to lower the volume. The momentum was broken, the atmosphere gone. So she slowly sat up and politely said she'll go to sleep. I escorted her to the stairs. I like escorting her places. We said good night to each other and we parted ways. 

That night was something special. I think it is one of my favorite nights, or evenings if you want, I passed here. This is also the moment from where things started getting better for me personally. I found happiness again, gradually. It was brought to me by this ray of sunshine with big, brown eyes and a steady smile. 
You know that very cliche, very Tumblr-ish quote which says ''My parents warned me about the drugs on the streets but never about the ones with big brown eyes and a heartbeat''? Well, as sad and hipster-ish as it sounds, I do understand the meaning behind this words. Her presence gives me constant happiness and hope that things might really be okay in the end. How am I supposed to be fine without her? I mean, I know I can be fine, at some point, even without that ray on sunlight she gives off. At some point. Not now though. Now I just want to appreciate her existence and her presence in my life. 
There are few people I was so grateful I crossed paths with in life. I know not all of the will stay. But even so, I'm simply happy to be with them at this time, in this place.

This got extremely cheesy. I didn't see it coming. I would apologize but I'm not sorry. It's nice to get these feelings out somewhere where people can read them - but the kind of people I probably won't ever have to face. This puts me at peace.

Lots of love to all of you. Remember once again that things get better. 
Love,

​Zala

I was re-reading my blog entry back from October and as you all noticed I was very happy back then. I was glad I came to UWC. I'm still very glad. Not exactly happy but you know, we'll all get there eventually. The thing I want to pass down to y'all is this: don't let first term fool you. Quite some second years told me that things change a lot during and after winter break and I can confirm this. During winter break, if you'll go home, you will have some time for yourself and only yourself - after months of constantly being surrounded by people. As an introvert I can tell you: winter break is freaking amazing to get your shit together! Not academically though. I had a shit loads of homework but I barely did 10% of everything. Laziness, my old friend, was nice to hang out with after 5 months of not seeing each other. But anyways, I'm getting off the track here. What the point of this ''short note'' is that winter break, the time for thinking over the past months, will reveal to you the flaws and good things of UWC. You'll most likely realize that not everything is so amazing as it seemed to you in October and November. Not everyone is as awesome and cool as you thought as the naive firstie who just joined the community. Not everyone is worth trying to become friends with. You're not on amazing terms with all your co-years? Good, stick to the group of people you know you can trust and who will be by your side no matter what. There's just five of them? One? Twenty? Good! You found them! Stick to them. Failed to find your squad before winter break? No worries! A lot of people will come back different persons you got to know in the first months (I'll be one of them. Finding myself n' shit). Everything will be different after winter break. I can feel it. More school work, less time to chill but also you will already know, at least partially, who your friends are. You will know who to call when you'll be going through mental breakdowns (yay!). 


So just remember: first term doesn't define how good or bad your UWC experience will be. I'm going back on Friday with a new mentality, with a different values and different goals for my life after UWCiM. And all of this will help me to either finally fit in or accept the fact I can't fit in and continue my UWC experience as a misfit. All good to me. I've always been the weird one anyways.

Lots of love, eat your vegetables, drink loads of water, stay healthy and happy!
​Zala

Attention: the following content may include long rants, swearing, cheesiness, subjectivity and a lot of negativity. If any of this are not what you're looking for than please, leave now. Whatever I will write here is solely my personal view, probably, most likely, shadowed by despair, self-doubt and too many (confused) emotions. Thank you. You may continue now.


Remember how in my previous post I've written 'this place will either make me find myself or lose myself' or something along these lines? Well, after the first term's over I can conclude, a hundred percent sure, that I lost myself. And if you're wondering no, it's not a nice feeling. Was I the only one who experienced the series Lost but on a emotional level? I doubt it. But this is not about others. This is my personal blog where I can be as self-centered and harsh as I want. Bothered by it? You know how to close a page on the internet. 

Only once winter break began and I came back home I started to slowly re-find myself. My home, family, the environment, the food (oh God, the food) helped me a lot. What I came to realize, and am still trying to figure out and form a complete realization, is that I don't fit in. I don't fit in UWC Mostar. Here. I said it. It actually makes me feel better to say it out loud. But hey. I have something to tell to all of you reading this. First of all, if you're my co-year or second year or whatever, don't you dare pity me or try to help me to 'fit in'. I won't. Maybe I don't even want to. God only knows. Second of all, if you're a newbie, soon-to-be-firstie I'm telling you this: I'm one of the rare ones who don't fit in. Don't let a grumpy teenager tell you that you can't make it. You can. But what I want you to know is that UWC is not a fairy tale. I'll speak for UWCiM. It is not a Utopia, a dream land where bad things don't happen. It's more the opposite. At least me and my circle of friends faced a hell lot of mental breakdowns. 

Another thing I have to tell the newbies is that you'll probably have a hell of a hard time if your ''previous'' life was good or even perfect in your own eyes. You have an amazing family relationship? You have a lot of great friends back home? You just love the environment, your city, the school you're going to? UWC will be your first experience away from home? Bro, you'll suffer like a bitch. I'm stating it harshly because this is probably what I didn't hear before I went there. Maybe if someone told me that I'll go through Hell with those words and with the face I'm wearing myself right now, maybe I'll be ready. Or at least readier than I was. I didn't expect a fairy tale or no missing home. I did. I expected all of it. What I didn't expect was to lose myself to such an extent to not even know what I want to do with my life after high school. I never expected to lose interest in things that meant a life to me before. I never expected to pass the last two weeks of the first term in tears because I hated everything surrounding me (friends excluded. A shout-out to the best squad ever and especially to a certain crazy girl who's helping survive this). What I also didn't expect was the academics to not be the (only) reason to cry. I didn't expect that I will find people I will dislike. Because hey, UWC is a place filled with only love and you, as a student, also have to love everyone and everything and be constantly happy and you have to take part in everything and put all the attention on yourself, all the time, be popular, be #different, wow, so UWC, let's all hold hands and dance and change the world together, yay, yay, yay! 
Bullshit.
I'm not that kind of person. I was never that kind of person. I hate things. I'm working on it to not hate anyone or anything. I have a long way to go before I reach that point. I'm not there yet. I still dislike stuff. People. Ideologies. Places. I will for some time. But that's okay. You can't expect anyone, not even yourself, to be perfect at the age of 17. What even is age. I know people who are wise at 15 and others who are ignorant at 40. Age is and has always been in my eyes just an excuse. To either look smarter or dumber. Wrong choice of words? I did it on purpose.

I sound bitter as hell in this blog entry. I have to let it out. It is all my fault. That I don't fit in. That I can't find happiness at UWCiM. I know. I'm aware of it. But for Hell's sake, we can't fit in everywhere! Not fitting in doesn't mean you're a failure. Let me say it again: not fitting in doesn't mean you're a failure. Good? Good. Remember this: something you once wanted with all your heart might not turn out as you wished it did. This doesn't meant there's something wrong with you. Okay? It just means Faith or God or You or whoever/whatever you believe in is trying to tell you that this is simply not the path you should walk down in your life. 
​
And yes, more than telling this to y'all, I'm telling this to myself. I have to work on everything more. Especially on myself. But don't we all have to? (Here was the cheesy part, you survived that, congratulations!)

Good, now that I'm lying naked in front of the internet and the world I will thank God that no one is actually interested in a teen's blog about her confused as hell life.

With this I leave you to your beautiful, little lives. IB is calling me. Arrivederci.  

Still always love,
Zala. Because this is my name. Not Zal but ​Zala. 

This is crazy, completely, totally crazy: I've been here, in Musala, in UWC, in Mostar for more than a month. This sounds so unreal to me and yet so beautiful. Sometimes it feels like it has been a lot more than a month, other times I have the feeling that I have just arrived here a week ago. 
Another thing which amazes me is that I was so busy (sometimes simply doing nothing) that this is my first blog post since my UWC experience started. I need to absolutely write more often because after all of this is over, I want to have an archive, I want to have a place where all the memories, good and bad, are stored. And trust me, there are going to be a lot of them. I mean, after a month I am already completely overwhelmed by well, everything. 
​

The funny thing is that I have no idea where to begin. And a thing I learned in my history class is that the beginning you choose for your story can affect its flow and ending greatly. So I should just start with Induction week. It feels like it was ages ago and not just a month. So, so many things happened during it that I don't even remember most of them. The first day we arrived, some second years - their faces were completely new and anonymous to us - brought us up to the Old Bank's rooftop-a place where it is illegal to be but hey, breaking rules sometimes leads to the most beautiful memories. And this was absolutely one of them. From the rooftop we could see the whole city, and the sun was just setting so all the roof were touched by the light pink, orange and reddish light. It felt magical.

I will just leave out the chronological order because all the days just merged in one huge mix, full of emotions. 
There was another event from the Introduction Week which really stayed in my mind: it was the second evening and it was Bonding Time. We (or better said, our amazing and lovely second years) put some blankets and pillows in front of Musala and we played some games and talked. The group I was with was playing the weirdest and dirtiest and probably stupidest game ever, Cards Against Humanity. That night I laughed so much - it really was amazing.

One of the days we went to Kravice Waterfalls. That was probably the most chilled day of that week. The whole week was just very fast-paced and full of activities. It was probably done so, so we wouldn't think about our families, maybe even so we wouldn't notice, or care, about the huge change of the environment we were undergoing. I can't really say it worked though, because I spent my first two nights crying my eyes out. But thanks God I had my roomie. Every day that passes I am more and more grateful for this amazing person with whom I share my room. Love you, Oshin.

Our main goal for Sarajevo was to firstly eat in a vegan restaurant, then walk to the Sushi Bar just to finish with an Indian Restaurant. The fun thing is that the only thing we really did for the whole day was walk till the certain restaurant, sit down, eat and chat, pay, get up and start walking towards the next restaurant. Mel turned out to be a real GPS, just in a human form - she was never in Sarajevo before and she only had some screenshots from Google Maps and yet we didn't get lost once. So yeah, shout-out to Melanie's amazing guiding skills.
This day was really amazing. Not only that I ate the best food since I've come here and seen some parts of a majestic city but I also got much closer to quite some people. Bajram break really is the right time to make friends, just like my roomie said. Of course also the time I spent over in Sušac was unforgettable. But I must admit that I like Musala much better. Once a Musalan, always a Musalan.
​

I totally messed up the chronological order but whatever. Quite some time ago we had the UWC Day - Around the World in 80 Minutes. Everyone had a stand which we could decorate however we wanted - as long as it represented our country. We all prepared some traditional dishes and a lot of people wore their pretty national customs. The event was opened for Mostarians and I really think they enjoyed it - especially because everyone was given a Passport with some space for stamps from each country. As every other event organized by the school, this one too was fun and educational. Plus I was able to try food from different countries and everything (or at least most of the things) were extremely delicious! When I reached the part with Asian countries my mouth literally exploded because of all the spices (which I didn't mind, it was just a big change). During the whole event, songs from different countries were being played and when Macarena came on we all started dancing like crazy. I think that was the moment when I really realized how happy I am to be part of this and how grateful I should be for this experience. 

With every moment that I spend here, with every single person that walks past  me and says hi to me, or just exchanges a smile, I am more and more glad that I made the decision to apply for UWC. With every hour which I pass in this amazing community, I am more and more grateful that I got accepted. Before I got here, the idea of UWC that I had was basically ''super good high school which gives you the opportunity to get into super good universities overseas'' - basically just academics, academics and academics. But once I got here, once I got to know the people and understood how the community breathes...snap if I realized my idea was completely flawed. UWC is so, so, so, much more than just a school. It is a family. The teachers, the students, all the school personal, the lovely and caring housemoms - we are all part of this huge family. Academics are important, I will never deny this, but if you come to UWC and only focus on academics, the whole experience will just fly past you. Everything will be happening around you and yet you will be enclosed in this bubble of studying, studying and studying. And this is not what UWC is. For me, UWC is staying up late in a friend's room, talking and eating German bread with honey. UWC is baking cookise the whole day even if you have a biology test the next morning. It is going out on Fridays and living the teenage life. It is having long, meaningful conversations with your roommate. UWC is having your friends check on you after a rough night. It is waking up to a post-it note with sweet words. UWC is all of this and much, much more. It is the CASes, the lessons and all the weird things that happen during them (like almost setting the bio lab on fire, for example). UWC is something which cannot be described with simple adjectives and not even complex, Shakespearean-like adjectives could describe the beauty and magic and weirdness that UWC is.

There are just too many events to describe. I could sit in Musala's canteen for three days straight and just write of everything that happened and I'm still not sure if I could describe everything. Sometimes it even happens that my mind goes completely blank and I just can't remember anything at all. But still I know that all the memories and feelings that come with them are real - they are here, inside of me, growing like flowers in my lungs, making it sometimes hard to breathe but it is worth the struggle because after all, memories (and experiences) are what make us who we are. 

Bajram break - those four, crazy days. Everyone who decided to not go anywhere over night had to move to Sušac (one of the residences, the one which is on the other side of the world basically) for the four days. On Saturday morning the large version of our Squad decided to spend the day in Sarajevo. The previous day we bought train tickets (might I just add that I was actually able to buy train tickets in local!). We had the train at 7 am which meant getting up at 5:30. I spent the night in Melanie's room which was in the attic. Which meant a lot of noise whenever you made a step because the whole attic floor is wooden. So it was a real struggle to get dressed and prepare all the needed stuff without waking up the whole residence.
Somehow, after some smaller complications, we managed to get to the train station and finally we were on our way to the beautiful capital of Bosnia and Herzegovina. 
The journey was extremely fun and we even befriended some locals (which probably only happened because they found Ahmed and Iñigo handsome). 

There is so much more I could write but I guess you just can't put certain experiences in words. And also my writing is not good enough. What I'm trying to say is that I simply can't use words to portray my feelings in the way I wish I could. There was a time when my writing could actually make me feel. I used words to create worlds I liked better than reality. But...I think I like reality now. It is painful sometimes, I admit, but it is also amazing, funny and most importantly, worth living. 
UWC changes you. All the people, all the different opinions, all the experiences and moments you live through - each and every single one of them leaves a mark on you. This is the place where I met the most amazing people, this is the place where I became a vegetarian for a week, this is the place where I had my first drink, the place where I had my first heart-break, the place where I spend the nights talking with friends. And I'm pretty sure this is going to be the place where I'll learn the most. Not only from books but from my co-years, second years and the next year firsties.

​This is going to be the place where I will either find myself or lose myself. Let's see where life will lead us all.

So, here I am, laying on the couch, looking at the clock and thinking: ''It's really going to happen.''  Tomorrow, early in the morning, probably way before the sun rises, mom, dad, my sister and me are going to Mostar - first for a week of Holidays and then Induction Week will start and even after that, classes will start and so will a new chapter in my life.
Today's the last day at home before I'll return in December. I'm not nervous. Probably I don't even realize what the heck is really going on. Probably I don't realize that I'll see this house again after four months, that I will be able to lay on this couch only in December, that I will see my parents only for Christmas. I probably really don't realize all of this yet because I feel way too calm and collected about all of this. I'm curious to see my reaction once reality's gonna hit me in the face.

Anyway's there's news! Some days ago we finally found out in which Residence we'll be living and who are roommates are! So here's the thing: for this academical year, I'll be living in Musala! I'm so happy about this (and no, totally not because Musala is the closest residence to school). My roomie is a second-year from Nepal and she seems so, so, so nice! Absolutely one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I really hope we'll get along well and I can't wait to meet her!

That's about it people. Tomorrow's gonna be long, especially the car ride but I'm very excited to meet the city where I'll be living for the next two years.

I will probably write a new entry as soon as I'll have internet connection. Stay good, guys.

Love always,
Zal

I'm sitting by my computer with a Word Document opened and with a book by myself. Not a book I would have decided to read myself, especially not when I have just started reading Clockwork Prince by the one and only Cassie Clare. The reason why I'm reading that one book is only one: school.

School work and responsibilities came knocking on my door a week ago and even if I wanted to yell at them to go away and close the door in their faces, I couldn't. Because this is not the attitude a soon-to-be UWC student should have. So I groaned and let them in. Which resulted in me, bathing in soft panic and work, even though I theoretically have more than enough time to do all that has to be done. 

So yeah, the point is that I have my diploma programme of Slovene in front of me and a list of books I have to read is slowly forming in my mind. The things I'll have to do for the diploma papers are written down and they are making me scream internally because I have never, ever faced such work in my life. 
Anyways, I'm half through with the first book I decided to read for diploma and I quite like it. As I said, it is not what I would have read myself but it is indeed a lot better than most of the books I had to read for school in the past 8 years. Its title is Alamut by the Slovene author Vladimir Bartol. I'm writing down stuff about the plot and characters so I won't forget it all until May when the diploma is actually taking place. And no, I'm not doing all of this too soon, you can trust me on this, I know myself and I also know that once the other subjects will start to kick-in, I'll be glad that I spent the last days of summer reading this book. Even though I'm suffering because I have to watch Clockwork Prince silently sit on my bookshelf, untouched with all of its secrets closed away from me.

Anyways. Soon I shall find out who my roommates are and in which residence I'll be living. I can't wait to know this! I hope I don't get the one residence which is 30 minutes away from the school, because, as my new friend and also co-year at UWC said for herself, I too, am a lazy piece of shit. 

I'm going back to the book now.

Love always,
Zal