Today was a lovely day but, hand on my heart, since spring started, every day is a lovely day! Every morning, on my way to school, I can't help but admire the small, tiny leaves that started covering the crude branches of the trees near the street. They are of such a clear, green color and it creates a lovely contrast with the bright blue sky of early mornings. And the smell! It doesn't smell like a city at all - you can legit smell the spring, the trees blooming. It's beautiful! And the birds are singing even now! I love spring so much, honestly. And spring in Mostar is just so refreshing - after some long months of strong wind, never stopping rain and cold air, spring is exactly what all of us need.
But back to today. This evening we had this thing called Reflection Circles at Abraš and at first I wasn't sure whether I wanted to go or not because, reference to the first paragraph, I have a math test and I didn't study at all. But my friend persuaded me to go and I was honestly so grateful that I went once it was all over.
We had 6 groups and people were randomly assigned to them. I wasn't really close with anyone from my group so at first I was mostly listening to the discussion, rather than actively participating. But eventually I started feeling comfortable around the people so I also shared my opinion on some of the things we discussed and it was generally very nice! People put candles all around the backyard of Abraš and we were there from the late, late afternoon, all through the dusk and up to when the night fell over us. It was so beautiful, warm and funny. And as I was sitting in that small circle with approximately 9 other people, while we were talking about our UWC experience and our personal feelings - I felt like I belonged. For the first time since I've come here, I had the true feeling of belonging. Suddenly I felt this strong bond, filled with love towards those people. I felt the urge of hugging them all and just letting them know how grateful I am to be able to be there, at that moment.
Up to now, I always had this small feeling deep down that I didn't really fit in or that I didn't really find my small spot in UWCiM. But as we were sitting in the backyard of Abraš at dusk, I just felt it. I felt the vibes, the kind of vibes I've been looking for since always, to be honest. And I felt this very warm, very fresh and light feeling in my chest. I was happy.
At some point we touched the argument of home; what is home? Where is home? Is home where we come from, where our family, friends are? Or is home Mostar, this city, this community? Most people said that home was still where they come from and where their life is patiently waiting for them. A few rare ones said that, at this point, the UWC community has become their home, and that they don't feel like the belong to their ''old'' lives anymore. I gave their words a thought or maybe twenty, honestly. Up to then, I never even considered that Mostar could by any chance become my home. In my head, it was always this random place where I'll just attend school for two years. I never wanted to form a bond with this city or with the people here - not the kind of bond that would hurt once I'll have to leave. I was more going for the I'm-happy-that-I'm-here-until-I'm-here-but-leaving-is-fine-too type of bond. But as I listened to my second years and my co-years, I realized something. I realized that the saying which says ''home is where your heart is'' is so, so true. But I never thought that it was possible to split your heart in pieces and leave one piece here, another one there. In my mind it was always like ''okay, you have one heart, therefore you can only have one home''.
I was wrong on so many levels.
As much as I might not want to admit it to myself, Mostar and UWC have become my home. Not a permanent one, and not as familiar as my house and town back in Slovenia. But still a home; a place where I feel at peace, a place where I'm surrounded by people I love and care about. A place where I learn, grow, form memories and collect experiences. A place that indeed holds a special place in my heart.
It's late now. Late for real. So I will finish this post with again some kind of advice for the zero years, or for anyone, really:
give it time. To anything. Don't expect to adapt to a change - big or small - immediately. It might take a day, week, month, year, but eventually, you'll find peace in what you're doing, where you are and, most importantly, who you are. Stay loyal to yourself and accept what life gives you with open hands:)
Love always,
Zala