Attention: the following content may include long rants, swearing, cheesiness, subjectivity and a lot of negativity. If any of this are not what you're looking for than please, leave now. Whatever I will write here is solely my personal view, probably, most likely, shadowed by despair, self-doubt and too many (confused) emotions. Thank you. You may continue now.
Remember how in my previous post I've written 'this place will either make me find myself or lose myself' or something along these lines? Well, after the first term's over I can conclude, a hundred percent sure, that I lost myself. And if you're wondering no, it's not a nice feeling. Was I the only one who experienced the series Lost but on a emotional level? I doubt it. But this is not about others. This is my personal blog where I can be as self-centered and harsh as I want. Bothered by it? You know how to close a page on the internet.
Only once winter break began and I came back home I started to slowly re-find myself. My home, family, the environment, the food (oh God, the food) helped me a lot. What I came to realize, and am still trying to figure out and form a complete realization, is that I don't fit in. I don't fit in UWC Mostar. Here. I said it. It actually makes me feel better to say it out loud. But hey. I have something to tell to all of you reading this. First of all, if you're my co-year or second year or whatever, don't you dare pity me or try to help me to 'fit in'. I won't. Maybe I don't even want to. God only knows. Second of all, if you're a newbie, soon-to-be-firstie I'm telling you this: I'm one of the rare ones who don't fit in. Don't let a grumpy teenager tell you that you can't make it. You can. But what I want you to know is that UWC is not a fairy tale. I'll speak for UWCiM. It is not a Utopia, a dream land where bad things don't happen. It's more the opposite. At least me and my circle of friends faced a hell lot of mental breakdowns.
Another thing I have to tell the newbies is that you'll probably have a hell of a hard time if your ''previous'' life was good or even perfect in your own eyes. You have an amazing family relationship? You have a lot of great friends back home? You just love the environment, your city, the school you're going to? UWC will be your first experience away from home? Bro, you'll suffer like a bitch. I'm stating it harshly because this is probably what I didn't hear before I went there. Maybe if someone told me that I'll go through Hell with those words and with the face I'm wearing myself right now, maybe I'll be ready. Or at least readier than I was. I didn't expect a fairy tale or no missing home. I did. I expected all of it. What I didn't expect was to lose myself to such an extent to not even know what I want to do with my life after high school. I never expected to lose interest in things that meant a life to me before. I never expected to pass the last two weeks of the first term in tears because I hated everything surrounding me (friends excluded. A shout-out to the best squad ever and especially to a certain crazy girl who's helping survive this). What I also didn't expect was the academics to not be the (only) reason to cry. I didn't expect that I will find people I will dislike. Because hey, UWC is a place filled with only love and you, as a student, also have to love everyone and everything and be constantly happy and you have to take part in everything and put all the attention on yourself, all the time, be popular, be #different, wow, so UWC, let's all hold hands and dance and change the world together, yay, yay, yay!
Bullshit.
I'm not that kind of person. I was never that kind of person. I hate things. I'm working on it to not hate anyone or anything. I have a long way to go before I reach that point. I'm not there yet. I still dislike stuff. People. Ideologies. Places. I will for some time. But that's okay. You can't expect anyone, not even yourself, to be perfect at the age of 17. What even is age. I know people who are wise at 15 and others who are ignorant at 40. Age is and has always been in my eyes just an excuse. To either look smarter or dumber. Wrong choice of words? I did it on purpose.
I sound bitter as hell in this blog entry. I have to let it out. It is all my fault. That I don't fit in. That I can't find happiness at UWCiM. I know. I'm aware of it. But for Hell's sake, we can't fit in everywhere! Not fitting in doesn't mean you're a failure. Let me say it again: not fitting in doesn't mean you're a failure. Good? Good. Remember this: something you once wanted with all your heart might not turn out as you wished it did. This doesn't meant there's something wrong with you. Okay? It just means Faith or God or You or whoever/whatever you believe in is trying to tell you that this is simply not the path you should walk down in your life.
And yes, more than telling this to y'all, I'm telling this to myself. I have to work on everything more. Especially on myself. But don't we all have to? (Here was the cheesy part, you survived that, congratulations!)
Good, now that I'm lying naked in front of the internet and the world I will thank God that no one is actually interested in a teen's blog about her confused as hell life.
With this I leave you to your beautiful, little lives. IB is calling me. Arrivederci.
Still always love,
Zala. Because this is my name. Not Zal but Zala.
Remember how in my previous post I've written 'this place will either make me find myself or lose myself' or something along these lines? Well, after the first term's over I can conclude, a hundred percent sure, that I lost myself. And if you're wondering no, it's not a nice feeling. Was I the only one who experienced the series Lost but on a emotional level? I doubt it. But this is not about others. This is my personal blog where I can be as self-centered and harsh as I want. Bothered by it? You know how to close a page on the internet.
Only once winter break began and I came back home I started to slowly re-find myself. My home, family, the environment, the food (oh God, the food) helped me a lot. What I came to realize, and am still trying to figure out and form a complete realization, is that I don't fit in. I don't fit in UWC Mostar. Here. I said it. It actually makes me feel better to say it out loud. But hey. I have something to tell to all of you reading this. First of all, if you're my co-year or second year or whatever, don't you dare pity me or try to help me to 'fit in'. I won't. Maybe I don't even want to. God only knows. Second of all, if you're a newbie, soon-to-be-firstie I'm telling you this: I'm one of the rare ones who don't fit in. Don't let a grumpy teenager tell you that you can't make it. You can. But what I want you to know is that UWC is not a fairy tale. I'll speak for UWCiM. It is not a Utopia, a dream land where bad things don't happen. It's more the opposite. At least me and my circle of friends faced a hell lot of mental breakdowns.
Another thing I have to tell the newbies is that you'll probably have a hell of a hard time if your ''previous'' life was good or even perfect in your own eyes. You have an amazing family relationship? You have a lot of great friends back home? You just love the environment, your city, the school you're going to? UWC will be your first experience away from home? Bro, you'll suffer like a bitch. I'm stating it harshly because this is probably what I didn't hear before I went there. Maybe if someone told me that I'll go through Hell with those words and with the face I'm wearing myself right now, maybe I'll be ready. Or at least readier than I was. I didn't expect a fairy tale or no missing home. I did. I expected all of it. What I didn't expect was to lose myself to such an extent to not even know what I want to do with my life after high school. I never expected to lose interest in things that meant a life to me before. I never expected to pass the last two weeks of the first term in tears because I hated everything surrounding me (friends excluded. A shout-out to the best squad ever and especially to a certain crazy girl who's helping survive this). What I also didn't expect was the academics to not be the (only) reason to cry. I didn't expect that I will find people I will dislike. Because hey, UWC is a place filled with only love and you, as a student, also have to love everyone and everything and be constantly happy and you have to take part in everything and put all the attention on yourself, all the time, be popular, be #different, wow, so UWC, let's all hold hands and dance and change the world together, yay, yay, yay!
Bullshit.
I'm not that kind of person. I was never that kind of person. I hate things. I'm working on it to not hate anyone or anything. I have a long way to go before I reach that point. I'm not there yet. I still dislike stuff. People. Ideologies. Places. I will for some time. But that's okay. You can't expect anyone, not even yourself, to be perfect at the age of 17. What even is age. I know people who are wise at 15 and others who are ignorant at 40. Age is and has always been in my eyes just an excuse. To either look smarter or dumber. Wrong choice of words? I did it on purpose.
I sound bitter as hell in this blog entry. I have to let it out. It is all my fault. That I don't fit in. That I can't find happiness at UWCiM. I know. I'm aware of it. But for Hell's sake, we can't fit in everywhere! Not fitting in doesn't mean you're a failure. Let me say it again: not fitting in doesn't mean you're a failure. Good? Good. Remember this: something you once wanted with all your heart might not turn out as you wished it did. This doesn't meant there's something wrong with you. Okay? It just means Faith or God or You or whoever/whatever you believe in is trying to tell you that this is simply not the path you should walk down in your life.
And yes, more than telling this to y'all, I'm telling this to myself. I have to work on everything more. Especially on myself. But don't we all have to? (Here was the cheesy part, you survived that, congratulations!)
Good, now that I'm lying naked in front of the internet and the world I will thank God that no one is actually interested in a teen's blog about her confused as hell life.
With this I leave you to your beautiful, little lives. IB is calling me. Arrivederci.
Still always love,
Zala. Because this is my name. Not Zal but Zala.