There are a few reasons to why I deleted my previous post.
First of all, my previous posts were really negative and dark and I noticed a huge lack of positivity. And now that I finally, finally feel at peace, I realized that hey, that is not how Zala thinks. Zala was always known for her never dying optimism and nothing - and I repeat, nothing - will change this fact.
It's the 16th of March today. A special date for two reasons: firstly, it is less than 3 days until the beginning of Spring Break and secondly, it's been a month since me and my best friend/boyfriend decided to do something about our friendship and this makes me extremely happy. Like extremely happy. Plus, I can say that he is doing slightly better and any improvements make me want to jump and dance and sing silly happy songs.
But back to my life in Mostar. Even if it was very dark and depressing around here after Winter Break, things got noticeably better in the past month. First of all, I changed rooms and the atmosphere in my new room is lovely, relaxed and happy. I get more hours of sleep and in general there is not much school work to do right now, which is always nice. But the sudden improvement in my mood doesn't have as much to do with all of these factors as it does with the constant presence of this one person in my life. I started writing a post entry about a month ago about this specific person about a specific event that made me really happy. But, as I was close to finish, the internet broke down and all my writing was lost. The hours I spent writing that, the first time I clearly put my feelings on the paper - all of this was lost, in a split of second. Before I could even realize what exactly has happened. After it, I was so angry at the poorly working WiFi in Musala that I slammed my computer closed and never re-wrote what I have written at that time. Mostly because I know I could never really re-write something like that. Something that came from the depths of my heart, something that meant so much to me. So I just let it go before it could make me even angrier or sadder.
What I'm writing now doesn't have anything to do with the lost blog entry. No. This is just a simple message to tell everyone who's been following me (or who's been concerned about me) this very cliche, many times over-used phrase but which is actually very true. Now hear me out:
it gets better.
Everything. You get better. People you surround yourself with. Your friends, the people you love. Even the weather gets better! It's still quite cold-ish outside but it is definitely warmer than it was in, let's say, January. Spring is definitely closer.
No matter how dark everything seems, it really does get better. Honestly, you just have to cry your eyes out a few times, curse at everything and everyone, get to the verge of giving up - and stop. Stop to take a deep breath, to whip your tears, to look around yourself. To see the smiles pointed at you, to see the sun shining through your scars. To see the beauty hidden behind all the pain and tears you shred. Find reassurance in small things, happiness in every day. You can do it. So many people made it through the dark period, and so can you. I'm sorry I'm such a moody person but when I'm sad, I'm sad. But when I'm happy, oh God, if I'm happy. For me there is no ''neutral'' feelings: it's either the best of one or the worst of the other. And I'm fine with it this way.
I know that the specific person I talked about before doesn't read my blog - in fact I'm pretty sure most of my co-years and second years don't even know I run a blog (and I thank not only God but also Jesus for this). This is why I'll take this opportunity to write a few words about this person; a few words that were among hundreds of others that were lost in that split of a second when the internet let me down.
This person, this girl, she's amazing. This is such a simple sentence and yet when I say it with her on my mind it embraces so many things. From her gestures when she's facing an awkward situation, to her laughter that goes on for minutes when she finds something extremely funny. About her laughter, this is something I would like to talk about. This is from yesterday, so the memory is still fresh in my mind. We were in the basement, working out as we do every day. At some point I turned to face her and randomly I said: ''I did something stupid. I signed up to be the leader of the Fitness For Girls CAS.'' And in that moment, in that situation, it was quite funny: I was lying on the floor in a weird, unnatural position, trying to catch my breath after a 20-minutes work-out. Even I smiled slightly at my words and I did expect her to smile or even giggle for a second. But what I didn't expect but was oh, so grateful to have witnessed, was her, bursting out in a loud, uncontrollable laughter which went on for a solid couple of minutes. She was sitting on the floor next to me and in the moment when she started laughing, she curled up, probably because her abs were hurting, and she started slightly rolling on the floor, the laughter never dying on her lips. I think she was trying to say something while laughing, and maybe she even said something, but I didn't comprehend her words. All I could do in that moment was stare at her, listen to her laughter and think ''God, do you see this? Do you hear this? This is the most beautiful laughter ever. This is the most beautiful human being ever.'' I was completely overwhelmed by her beauty in that moment, by the sound of her free laughter, when she was spontaneous and relaxed, simply laughing at something that wasn't even that funny. And the fact I made her laugh that hard made me literally glow of happiness. As her laughter slowly died out, she went on talking about silly futures we could have from that moment on, from the moment when I'd become 'the new leader of Fitness CAS'. Her story was silly, of course it was, she was joking, but it sounded so nice in my ears: the two of us getting old together after finishing our dream Universities and achieving everything in life and then just finding each other at age of 50 and spend the rest of our lives together, enjoying life. Hearing that magical word, the word that can mess you up so badly - us - coming from her pink lips, made my heart jump nervously and ma face relax in a big, happy smile. God, if it sounded nice. Not just the us part, but the whole story. I'm such a cliche sometimes. It even makes me sad, it really does.
Anyways. I always get lost in the smallest details. Not just when writing a diary or blog entry, but in general. Especially when I'm with her. I would just admire the smallest things about her: how her hair curls in this weird but extremely cute way, how her eyes wander around the place and shine whenever she's talking about something she likes. Or the face of surprise and excitement she makes whenever there's a new (mostly crazy but totally genius) idea lighting up in her mind. She also has a very specific way of showing discontent or discomfort. She never gets angry in the way that she'd raise her voice or frown. No, she always looks composed, almost untouched by the situation. But if you know her well enough you immediately notice when there's something wrong. For instance, her eyes would become slightly darker, the features of her face slightly sharper, slightly colder. Her voice would immediately adapt a more formal sub-tone. And when she's frustrated! She wouldn't scream out the frustration, or even cry. I have never seen her cry. I think it would shatter my heart if I did. I did, however, saw her eyes water. In that moment I remember not knowing what to do, how to handle the situation in order to make her feel better. Which was funny - I always know at least how to somehow comfort a crying or sad person. This is my specialty, it really is. But in that moment all I could think about was ''Is she going to cry? Is she really going to cry?'' What I did in that moment, I fist-bumped her in the shoulder, awkwardly saying: ''You got this, you're a strong girl. You got this.'' For a split of a second she just looked at me and then, then she laughed. I laughed too, slightly relieved, mumbling an embarrassed ''I'm sorry but I really don't know how to handle this kind of emotional situations.'' Which was a lie: usually I do, it was just that emotional situation. She smiled and nodded, saying that she has the same problem but that she appreciates my gesture a lot. And I know she did. Much more than she'd appreciate a deep, emotion-filled talk with a lot of hugs and comforting petting on head. This would probably make her feel very uncomfortable and lost - she really doesn't understand emotions or how they are supposed to work. She even says it herself. I think she's fine with it. I mean, she never seemed sad about not really knowing what to do with a pile of emotions rolling around the floor. She did, however, get very frustrated once when there was a sudden rush of strong emotions and she didn't know how to feel about them Which might seem funny when you think about it: she didn't know how to feel about feelings. But trust me, it wasn't funny at all for me. It was the first time I saw her so quiet, so closed in herself, so distant. The emotions were so strong, radiant, so unexpected, that it shocked her - she wasn't used to all of those feelings inside of her, pressing on her chest, wanting to get out but not knowing how to. It must have been very hard that day for her. It got better eventually, but I will never forget how messed up she looked that day. It made me angry and sad and frustrated because I couldn't relieve her of the subtle suffering she was going through. But I guess we can't help everyone in every situation, no matter how much we want to.
The thing is, she really is something. She's so different from all other girls and humans in general. She's so radiant, vivid. If humans were a color, she would be a sprinkle of bright, warm yellow with some shadows of orange and a spark of red, flying around here and there. And if you looked at her color closer, paying attention to small details, you'd notice that the whole colored spectrum was caught in that color. She'd be the sunflower in a field of tulips. I don't know if this makes any sense. Anyway, she sits up very straight, always, at all times. She has a perfect posture. I really like this. I feel like I'm jumping from one thing to another but I can't help myself. I just want to embrace all of her, all of what I love so much in this one piece of writing. She's also the smartest person I've stumbled upon so far in my life. But not just smart: she's wise. Practical. Her movements always smooth and synchronized. She's very good at dancing, although she only does it when she feels like it, doing it for fun. She looks good when dancing. Composed, yet relaxed, as if she knows what she's doing. She probably does, she always does. She's the type of person who'd rather stay alone in the room on a Friday evening, surfing the net or watching a movie with her friend. I'd go out to a party and when I came back, I'd either find her alone in the room, with her computer on her stomach, earphones plugged in her ears, or again in her room, but this time with her guy friend sitting next to her, both of them laughing and looking as if they were having a lot of fun. That would usually be the moment when I'd regret going out to a party - what was some cheap alcohol and dancing to trashy music compared to spending a relaxed, funny evening with the ones you love? I'm so stupid sometimes. I really am.
I do remember, however, this one evening when both of us went out to the party, together. This is also one of the main things I wrote the lost blog entry on.
It was the closing party after the long and extremely tiring MUN Conference we hosted in February. All of the delegates and participants were going and we all anticipated a good party, one of the best ones actually. We even ranted a place with bodyguards on the Croatian side of the city, in a club where we usually don't go. The lights were off, the colored lasers flying around the room and the music was already playing loudly as the two of us walked in that evening. The place wasn't crowded yet but there were a bunch of people ordering drinks and awkwardly dancing on the empty dance floor. The whole atmosphere was relaxing and yet you could feel the anticipation flying through the place. She decided to go dance immediately, joining some of our friends. I didn't feel like it, to be honest. I don't like dancing unless the dance floor is filled with people so no one can see me actually moving around. So I sat down at the table in the far corner of the club, sinking in the soft couches. And I watched her dance for some time. She really is a good dancer, in her own, weird style.
The evening went on, we all danced, more of our friends arrived and we had a quite fun night. Some drinks, some laughs, looking at and jokingly judging all the people who shamelessly hooked-up on the dance floor - and it was already ten thirty. We all had extended check-in that night so we didn't have to be back at the residences until midnight. However, I told her to tell me when she wanted to leave - I wasn't having too much of fun anyways. I mean, it was nice but I went to more fun parties. At some point, when it was around ten thirty as I said, she asked me if we could go. So we left. I was slightly tipsy, but she didn't drink that night. She usually doesn't. Neither do I, but that night, since it was 'the big party' I decided to treat myself a tequila or two.
So we walked out of the club and down the street. As soon as we crossed the road I had this crazy idea of taking a different road back, a one we weren't so sure about. Since we had time, she agreed. So we walked down the road next to each other, talking about all the hook-ups we saw, commenting how disgusting can some people get. Just a chilled, fun conversation. And then I felt like a croissant. She's never up for croissants - she's one of the rare people here and in general that say they will eat healthy and actually stick with it. But that night, she had one of her 'fuck it' moments so she agreed. We practically ran down the street towards the nearest bakery. It was almost eleven by then, and bakeries close at eleven. So we prayed for it to be open - and it was! We got a croissant with cherry jam and a chocolate muffin so we decided to each eat half of both. Satisfied, we walked towards home. The city at night looks very pretty. There's not a lot of people around so it feels peaceful. We were talking the whole way back and at some point I even took a few pictures of her. I love taking pictures of her but I don't want to do it too often - that would be creepy.
When we were at the school, I realized I was still hungry. Not expecting her to join I asked if I could borrow some of her money to buy one more croissant and that I'd give it back to her in the morning. To my slight surprise she walked in the next bakery with me and bought a chocolate croissant for herself too. With our food we walked towards the residence now for sure. We still had half an hour left so what we did, we decided to sit int the park near Musala until we ate. So we sat there - it was almost empty - and we talked and ate and talked some more. It was extremely nice. I don't really remember what we talked about but it is always like this: I don't remember words or sentences. I remember the cold breeze, her laughter, the taste of the cherry pie I was eating, the pink color of her coat under the dim street lights.
As we came back in the residence, we checked-in at the canteen, as we always do. Funny though, even if she had one and a half of a croissant, she still felt like eating something. So she eat some of the leftovers from dinner, some rice. This is something that is becoming kind of a ritual for us: whenever we go out to a party we always eat the leftovers once we come back. Even if we're not really hungry. At that time, at almost midnight, eating cold rice just feels very right. And it always ends up with lots of laughter. As we went upstairs, I realized I'd have to say goodbye to her for the day. Take a shower, go to sleep. I didn't want that. I didn't want the day to end, to walk to my lonely room and let her walk upstairs to hers. So I had this crazy idea of offering her coffee. And she accepted.
I made coffee, the one I always drink, with loads of sugar and milk and not so much coffee. She sat on my bed and drank it. I sat by my table and put on some music. We started with catchy songs, some were even appropriate for some wild dancing. She finished her coffee before I did so as she put the cup down, she asked me if she could put on a song. I said yes and kept drinking. She put on Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots. I barely knew the song but I could still clumsily sing along the chorus. She laid down on my bed and we sank into silence. Just the two of us in the room, after a party, silently getting lost in the music, in the melody of the words dancing around us. The vibes at that moment were nice but I felt I could make it even nicer: so I turned off the lamp and turned on the colorful fairy lights around the bed instead. It was really nice.
After her song ended, she put on another one. And another. And one more. Through all these songs I kept drinking my coffee, slowly, very slowly, so I could steal glances at her from above the mug. She wouldn't have noticed anyways - she was simply staring in the distance, probably losing herself in the music. The songs got quite depressing but it was a nice kind of depressing, if you get me. ¸The atmosphere was so nice in those long moments we stayed in the room, alone. I just never wanted it to end. But it did, it ended as my roommate walked in the room, sat down by her bed and asked to lower the volume. The momentum was broken, the atmosphere gone. So she slowly sat up and politely said she'll go to sleep. I escorted her to the stairs. I like escorting her places. We said good night to each other and we parted ways.
That night was something special. I think it is one of my favorite nights, or evenings if you want, I passed here. This is also the moment from where things started getting better for me personally. I found happiness again, gradually. It was brought to me by this ray of sunshine with big, brown eyes and a steady smile.
You know that very cliche, very Tumblr-ish quote which says ''My parents warned me about the drugs on the streets but never about the ones with big brown eyes and a heartbeat''? Well, as sad and hipster-ish as it sounds, I do understand the meaning behind this words. Her presence gives me constant happiness and hope that things might really be okay in the end. How am I supposed to be fine without her? I mean, I know I can be fine, at some point, even without that ray on sunlight she gives off. At some point. Not now though. Now I just want to appreciate her existence and her presence in my life.
There are few people I was so grateful I crossed paths with in life. I know not all of the will stay. But even so, I'm simply happy to be with them at this time, in this place.
This got extremely cheesy. I didn't see it coming. I would apologize but I'm not sorry. It's nice to get these feelings out somewhere where people can read them - but the kind of people I probably won't ever have to face. This puts me at peace.
Lots of love to all of you. Remember once again that things get better.
Love,
Zala
First of all, my previous posts were really negative and dark and I noticed a huge lack of positivity. And now that I finally, finally feel at peace, I realized that hey, that is not how Zala thinks. Zala was always known for her never dying optimism and nothing - and I repeat, nothing - will change this fact.
It's the 16th of March today. A special date for two reasons: firstly, it is less than 3 days until the beginning of Spring Break and secondly, it's been a month since me and my best friend/boyfriend decided to do something about our friendship and this makes me extremely happy. Like extremely happy. Plus, I can say that he is doing slightly better and any improvements make me want to jump and dance and sing silly happy songs.
But back to my life in Mostar. Even if it was very dark and depressing around here after Winter Break, things got noticeably better in the past month. First of all, I changed rooms and the atmosphere in my new room is lovely, relaxed and happy. I get more hours of sleep and in general there is not much school work to do right now, which is always nice. But the sudden improvement in my mood doesn't have as much to do with all of these factors as it does with the constant presence of this one person in my life. I started writing a post entry about a month ago about this specific person about a specific event that made me really happy. But, as I was close to finish, the internet broke down and all my writing was lost. The hours I spent writing that, the first time I clearly put my feelings on the paper - all of this was lost, in a split of second. Before I could even realize what exactly has happened. After it, I was so angry at the poorly working WiFi in Musala that I slammed my computer closed and never re-wrote what I have written at that time. Mostly because I know I could never really re-write something like that. Something that came from the depths of my heart, something that meant so much to me. So I just let it go before it could make me even angrier or sadder.
What I'm writing now doesn't have anything to do with the lost blog entry. No. This is just a simple message to tell everyone who's been following me (or who's been concerned about me) this very cliche, many times over-used phrase but which is actually very true. Now hear me out:
it gets better.
Everything. You get better. People you surround yourself with. Your friends, the people you love. Even the weather gets better! It's still quite cold-ish outside but it is definitely warmer than it was in, let's say, January. Spring is definitely closer.
No matter how dark everything seems, it really does get better. Honestly, you just have to cry your eyes out a few times, curse at everything and everyone, get to the verge of giving up - and stop. Stop to take a deep breath, to whip your tears, to look around yourself. To see the smiles pointed at you, to see the sun shining through your scars. To see the beauty hidden behind all the pain and tears you shred. Find reassurance in small things, happiness in every day. You can do it. So many people made it through the dark period, and so can you. I'm sorry I'm such a moody person but when I'm sad, I'm sad. But when I'm happy, oh God, if I'm happy. For me there is no ''neutral'' feelings: it's either the best of one or the worst of the other. And I'm fine with it this way.
I know that the specific person I talked about before doesn't read my blog - in fact I'm pretty sure most of my co-years and second years don't even know I run a blog (and I thank not only God but also Jesus for this). This is why I'll take this opportunity to write a few words about this person; a few words that were among hundreds of others that were lost in that split of a second when the internet let me down.
This person, this girl, she's amazing. This is such a simple sentence and yet when I say it with her on my mind it embraces so many things. From her gestures when she's facing an awkward situation, to her laughter that goes on for minutes when she finds something extremely funny. About her laughter, this is something I would like to talk about. This is from yesterday, so the memory is still fresh in my mind. We were in the basement, working out as we do every day. At some point I turned to face her and randomly I said: ''I did something stupid. I signed up to be the leader of the Fitness For Girls CAS.'' And in that moment, in that situation, it was quite funny: I was lying on the floor in a weird, unnatural position, trying to catch my breath after a 20-minutes work-out. Even I smiled slightly at my words and I did expect her to smile or even giggle for a second. But what I didn't expect but was oh, so grateful to have witnessed, was her, bursting out in a loud, uncontrollable laughter which went on for a solid couple of minutes. She was sitting on the floor next to me and in the moment when she started laughing, she curled up, probably because her abs were hurting, and she started slightly rolling on the floor, the laughter never dying on her lips. I think she was trying to say something while laughing, and maybe she even said something, but I didn't comprehend her words. All I could do in that moment was stare at her, listen to her laughter and think ''God, do you see this? Do you hear this? This is the most beautiful laughter ever. This is the most beautiful human being ever.'' I was completely overwhelmed by her beauty in that moment, by the sound of her free laughter, when she was spontaneous and relaxed, simply laughing at something that wasn't even that funny. And the fact I made her laugh that hard made me literally glow of happiness. As her laughter slowly died out, she went on talking about silly futures we could have from that moment on, from the moment when I'd become 'the new leader of Fitness CAS'. Her story was silly, of course it was, she was joking, but it sounded so nice in my ears: the two of us getting old together after finishing our dream Universities and achieving everything in life and then just finding each other at age of 50 and spend the rest of our lives together, enjoying life. Hearing that magical word, the word that can mess you up so badly - us - coming from her pink lips, made my heart jump nervously and ma face relax in a big, happy smile. God, if it sounded nice. Not just the us part, but the whole story. I'm such a cliche sometimes. It even makes me sad, it really does.
Anyways. I always get lost in the smallest details. Not just when writing a diary or blog entry, but in general. Especially when I'm with her. I would just admire the smallest things about her: how her hair curls in this weird but extremely cute way, how her eyes wander around the place and shine whenever she's talking about something she likes. Or the face of surprise and excitement she makes whenever there's a new (mostly crazy but totally genius) idea lighting up in her mind. She also has a very specific way of showing discontent or discomfort. She never gets angry in the way that she'd raise her voice or frown. No, she always looks composed, almost untouched by the situation. But if you know her well enough you immediately notice when there's something wrong. For instance, her eyes would become slightly darker, the features of her face slightly sharper, slightly colder. Her voice would immediately adapt a more formal sub-tone. And when she's frustrated! She wouldn't scream out the frustration, or even cry. I have never seen her cry. I think it would shatter my heart if I did. I did, however, saw her eyes water. In that moment I remember not knowing what to do, how to handle the situation in order to make her feel better. Which was funny - I always know at least how to somehow comfort a crying or sad person. This is my specialty, it really is. But in that moment all I could think about was ''Is she going to cry? Is she really going to cry?'' What I did in that moment, I fist-bumped her in the shoulder, awkwardly saying: ''You got this, you're a strong girl. You got this.'' For a split of a second she just looked at me and then, then she laughed. I laughed too, slightly relieved, mumbling an embarrassed ''I'm sorry but I really don't know how to handle this kind of emotional situations.'' Which was a lie: usually I do, it was just that emotional situation. She smiled and nodded, saying that she has the same problem but that she appreciates my gesture a lot. And I know she did. Much more than she'd appreciate a deep, emotion-filled talk with a lot of hugs and comforting petting on head. This would probably make her feel very uncomfortable and lost - she really doesn't understand emotions or how they are supposed to work. She even says it herself. I think she's fine with it. I mean, she never seemed sad about not really knowing what to do with a pile of emotions rolling around the floor. She did, however, get very frustrated once when there was a sudden rush of strong emotions and she didn't know how to feel about them Which might seem funny when you think about it: she didn't know how to feel about feelings. But trust me, it wasn't funny at all for me. It was the first time I saw her so quiet, so closed in herself, so distant. The emotions were so strong, radiant, so unexpected, that it shocked her - she wasn't used to all of those feelings inside of her, pressing on her chest, wanting to get out but not knowing how to. It must have been very hard that day for her. It got better eventually, but I will never forget how messed up she looked that day. It made me angry and sad and frustrated because I couldn't relieve her of the subtle suffering she was going through. But I guess we can't help everyone in every situation, no matter how much we want to.
The thing is, she really is something. She's so different from all other girls and humans in general. She's so radiant, vivid. If humans were a color, she would be a sprinkle of bright, warm yellow with some shadows of orange and a spark of red, flying around here and there. And if you looked at her color closer, paying attention to small details, you'd notice that the whole colored spectrum was caught in that color. She'd be the sunflower in a field of tulips. I don't know if this makes any sense. Anyway, she sits up very straight, always, at all times. She has a perfect posture. I really like this. I feel like I'm jumping from one thing to another but I can't help myself. I just want to embrace all of her, all of what I love so much in this one piece of writing. She's also the smartest person I've stumbled upon so far in my life. But not just smart: she's wise. Practical. Her movements always smooth and synchronized. She's very good at dancing, although she only does it when she feels like it, doing it for fun. She looks good when dancing. Composed, yet relaxed, as if she knows what she's doing. She probably does, she always does. She's the type of person who'd rather stay alone in the room on a Friday evening, surfing the net or watching a movie with her friend. I'd go out to a party and when I came back, I'd either find her alone in the room, with her computer on her stomach, earphones plugged in her ears, or again in her room, but this time with her guy friend sitting next to her, both of them laughing and looking as if they were having a lot of fun. That would usually be the moment when I'd regret going out to a party - what was some cheap alcohol and dancing to trashy music compared to spending a relaxed, funny evening with the ones you love? I'm so stupid sometimes. I really am.
I do remember, however, this one evening when both of us went out to the party, together. This is also one of the main things I wrote the lost blog entry on.
It was the closing party after the long and extremely tiring MUN Conference we hosted in February. All of the delegates and participants were going and we all anticipated a good party, one of the best ones actually. We even ranted a place with bodyguards on the Croatian side of the city, in a club where we usually don't go. The lights were off, the colored lasers flying around the room and the music was already playing loudly as the two of us walked in that evening. The place wasn't crowded yet but there were a bunch of people ordering drinks and awkwardly dancing on the empty dance floor. The whole atmosphere was relaxing and yet you could feel the anticipation flying through the place. She decided to go dance immediately, joining some of our friends. I didn't feel like it, to be honest. I don't like dancing unless the dance floor is filled with people so no one can see me actually moving around. So I sat down at the table in the far corner of the club, sinking in the soft couches. And I watched her dance for some time. She really is a good dancer, in her own, weird style.
The evening went on, we all danced, more of our friends arrived and we had a quite fun night. Some drinks, some laughs, looking at and jokingly judging all the people who shamelessly hooked-up on the dance floor - and it was already ten thirty. We all had extended check-in that night so we didn't have to be back at the residences until midnight. However, I told her to tell me when she wanted to leave - I wasn't having too much of fun anyways. I mean, it was nice but I went to more fun parties. At some point, when it was around ten thirty as I said, she asked me if we could go. So we left. I was slightly tipsy, but she didn't drink that night. She usually doesn't. Neither do I, but that night, since it was 'the big party' I decided to treat myself a tequila or two.
So we walked out of the club and down the street. As soon as we crossed the road I had this crazy idea of taking a different road back, a one we weren't so sure about. Since we had time, she agreed. So we walked down the road next to each other, talking about all the hook-ups we saw, commenting how disgusting can some people get. Just a chilled, fun conversation. And then I felt like a croissant. She's never up for croissants - she's one of the rare people here and in general that say they will eat healthy and actually stick with it. But that night, she had one of her 'fuck it' moments so she agreed. We practically ran down the street towards the nearest bakery. It was almost eleven by then, and bakeries close at eleven. So we prayed for it to be open - and it was! We got a croissant with cherry jam and a chocolate muffin so we decided to each eat half of both. Satisfied, we walked towards home. The city at night looks very pretty. There's not a lot of people around so it feels peaceful. We were talking the whole way back and at some point I even took a few pictures of her. I love taking pictures of her but I don't want to do it too often - that would be creepy.
When we were at the school, I realized I was still hungry. Not expecting her to join I asked if I could borrow some of her money to buy one more croissant and that I'd give it back to her in the morning. To my slight surprise she walked in the next bakery with me and bought a chocolate croissant for herself too. With our food we walked towards the residence now for sure. We still had half an hour left so what we did, we decided to sit int the park near Musala until we ate. So we sat there - it was almost empty - and we talked and ate and talked some more. It was extremely nice. I don't really remember what we talked about but it is always like this: I don't remember words or sentences. I remember the cold breeze, her laughter, the taste of the cherry pie I was eating, the pink color of her coat under the dim street lights.
As we came back in the residence, we checked-in at the canteen, as we always do. Funny though, even if she had one and a half of a croissant, she still felt like eating something. So she eat some of the leftovers from dinner, some rice. This is something that is becoming kind of a ritual for us: whenever we go out to a party we always eat the leftovers once we come back. Even if we're not really hungry. At that time, at almost midnight, eating cold rice just feels very right. And it always ends up with lots of laughter. As we went upstairs, I realized I'd have to say goodbye to her for the day. Take a shower, go to sleep. I didn't want that. I didn't want the day to end, to walk to my lonely room and let her walk upstairs to hers. So I had this crazy idea of offering her coffee. And she accepted.
I made coffee, the one I always drink, with loads of sugar and milk and not so much coffee. She sat on my bed and drank it. I sat by my table and put on some music. We started with catchy songs, some were even appropriate for some wild dancing. She finished her coffee before I did so as she put the cup down, she asked me if she could put on a song. I said yes and kept drinking. She put on Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots. I barely knew the song but I could still clumsily sing along the chorus. She laid down on my bed and we sank into silence. Just the two of us in the room, after a party, silently getting lost in the music, in the melody of the words dancing around us. The vibes at that moment were nice but I felt I could make it even nicer: so I turned off the lamp and turned on the colorful fairy lights around the bed instead. It was really nice.
After her song ended, she put on another one. And another. And one more. Through all these songs I kept drinking my coffee, slowly, very slowly, so I could steal glances at her from above the mug. She wouldn't have noticed anyways - she was simply staring in the distance, probably losing herself in the music. The songs got quite depressing but it was a nice kind of depressing, if you get me. ¸The atmosphere was so nice in those long moments we stayed in the room, alone. I just never wanted it to end. But it did, it ended as my roommate walked in the room, sat down by her bed and asked to lower the volume. The momentum was broken, the atmosphere gone. So she slowly sat up and politely said she'll go to sleep. I escorted her to the stairs. I like escorting her places. We said good night to each other and we parted ways.
That night was something special. I think it is one of my favorite nights, or evenings if you want, I passed here. This is also the moment from where things started getting better for me personally. I found happiness again, gradually. It was brought to me by this ray of sunshine with big, brown eyes and a steady smile.
You know that very cliche, very Tumblr-ish quote which says ''My parents warned me about the drugs on the streets but never about the ones with big brown eyes and a heartbeat''? Well, as sad and hipster-ish as it sounds, I do understand the meaning behind this words. Her presence gives me constant happiness and hope that things might really be okay in the end. How am I supposed to be fine without her? I mean, I know I can be fine, at some point, even without that ray on sunlight she gives off. At some point. Not now though. Now I just want to appreciate her existence and her presence in my life.
There are few people I was so grateful I crossed paths with in life. I know not all of the will stay. But even so, I'm simply happy to be with them at this time, in this place.
This got extremely cheesy. I didn't see it coming. I would apologize but I'm not sorry. It's nice to get these feelings out somewhere where people can read them - but the kind of people I probably won't ever have to face. This puts me at peace.
Lots of love to all of you. Remember once again that things get better.
Love,
Zala